Oktober 2017:
Illustrations: http://vsco.co/evawilson5/images/1
21 things I want:
Enjoy rainy days
Speak German
Smoothies
Money to buy people gifts
A horse to ride whenever
Extra time (pause real time) to spend on success (study or exercises)
Eat healthier
Black skinny jeans
A cat in my house
A heat wave
Let my host and real families know I love them
Be able to beat up a creep, if necessary
Sing beautifully
Stop being such a pig when it comes to sweets
Clean for water for everyone
Shave my head
Learn Arabic, indonesian and Italian….ohh and portuguese
Cute white, grey or black loose dressy pants
Eat a fresh cherimoya
Know myself better
Read people’s faces
Motivational things done in October
-Run
-Go about an hour early to German school to study and socialize with Yusra
-Laundry
-Work out/yoga
-not using social media in my room: time saver… Wait what is saving time? It is simply more efficient
-being pretty busy
-Write in my journal in German everyday… Thanks for the help google translate
-Super strong Duolingo streak
Un-motivational things done in October
Eat a ton of bad foods: Nutella, sweet pistachio spread, speekalass spread
Had a cold, and slept almost 12 hours (after supper to 7am)- *could also be successful*
Getting partially lost, not reading google maps right, or not reloading google maps when I should have…
Lost…. Taking the wrong U-bahn
Not sleeping, but then again that is also motivational?
Too busy… I need to go to school
Eins, Október, 2017
-Big family breakfast
-study
-visit Charlottenburg castle with Mariana (we bike everywhere like in Deep River, or we U-Bahn)
-Rotex meeting in a church an hour U-Bahn ride from home
-Late night run (I had to use data and google maps to find the house on the way home)
Zwei, Oktober, 2017
-Walk with Tipsy and Mariana to a green park
-Uncontrollably raid kitchen and eat everything topped with Nutella
-Bath world
-park with friends; to go to a rave that didn’t happen
Drei, Oktober, 2017
-High ropes and ziplining: I was not scared at all! Facing fears and stepping out of my comfort zone makes things that used to scare me a lot (like zip lines) seem so safe and comfortable
Exchange student definition:
The ability to know what facial expressions to make depending on the tone and the few words that you understand during a conversation in your host country’s native language.
-To the cafe and park with Sophia, Vicky, Talidah, Mariana and I.
-I Went into two stores to ask about jobs (this the is the Englishy part of Berlin) and they were very friendly. One place wants me to drop by with my resume, but I want to start German classes first
-Went to the gym with Mari, but we couldn’t go together because the new-person gym card machine doesn’t work after 8 pm.
-Cheap cocktail bar in the shadier part of Berlin, and then to the roof of a shopping centre to play truth or dare drinking games. Everyone here has more practice handling alcohol and growing a limit than me. It’s all good, I prefer to remain a lightweight.
I guess while they were gaining tolerance, I was in Deep River reading or watching strange, emotion stabbing documentaries. I stopped going to parties, or I would always leave early. I prefer to be alone than with a group of people in a boring, unsuccessful situation. Yet, the parties in Europe are excitingly simulating: people I don’t know, places I’ve never been, drinks and food I’ve never tried and music I want to understand. It’s a party.
->Not sitting around in the same cold house, gossiping about people I know too much about.
Things to think about when you’re in the U-Bahn and don’t want to waste data:
-The sad truth that your cats probably don’t miss you (or do they?)
-Things to eat when you get home
-How to make an escape/excuse if a U-Bahn worker comes on and asks to see my “lost” ticket
-Tomorrow’s plans
-Self-improvement and success
-people watch and pick up fashion tips
-guess people’s story or where they are going
-try to guess the opinion of people who look at you
….. Being bored doesn’t exist
Lucas, one of Mariana’s best friends slept over because he lives far away. I gave him a tarot card reading. Even if you don’t believe in the cards, it still gives you a different angled viewpoint of your life. I guess a lot of things you don’t believe in can do that…
Vier, Oktober, 2017
TO DO LIST DAY:
HOMEWORK!
-stressed…
Pulling together bank, homework problems…
Feeling better after eating a Nutella stuffed sugar cookie sandwich… Chocolate can really pull a girl together. We have this super lecker (German for yummy) sweet pistachio spread as well, but I could easily eat the bread alone. HMMM, European bread…
Anyway, I was a jiggly jelly after sitting all day, so I went for a long run… But I ended up walking home because my stomping stomach told me that I ate too much at the 8:00 supper. The food is tasty and abundant, and my host family always encourages me to eat more to finish it all off… (Latina cultura) #nocomplaints
Being an exchange student 2:
Using google maps to get you home from a run.
My host family is so loving, and I really feel at home here. Well, except where is the cat? Ester (my twin) and I used to always say “home is where the cat is”… Well at least the dog is sweet too, except she can’t be left home alone or she will bark until the neighbours call the cops (has happened before apparently).
Mom sent me this photo of the cats:
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funf, Oktober, 2017
HOMEWORK….
Actually, I’m really distracted by jobs and all the “German as second language schools…”
I have a job interview to be a deliveroo (biking food delivery)! It apparently pays poorly but who don’t want to bike around Berlin? I’m not 100% sure I want to do it because it seems a little unofficial and maybe risky? What about my (almost non-existent) German?
My host mom and I are really getting along, she drove me to the library today on her way to run errands. She told me her family’s story, and said: “There you go, now you know it all.” I think it’s good that I know a little about my (host) family… It brings back memories of Spain when I was an exchange student in a newly divorced family full of secrets. It could have been our own little reality TV show. I love them, my Spanish host family, but what is an innocent 16-year-old to do when this happened:
My Spanish host dad and his secret girlfriend were on their way to pick me up to escape the suburbs and hike high in the mountains. My recently divorced host mom was feeling hurt, yet suspicious. My host dad had parked the car a couple streets down from our apartment because he didn’t want his ex-wife to spot his secret, young, hot, really nice new girlfriend. (sorry so stereotypical)
Just as we were walking to the car, my host mom decided to join us and walk the dogs with us to the car. Ugh-oh!
*Me secretly feeling bad for my host dad, but wanting my mom to find out the truth…*
She had been asking me lots of questions about him lately and I had agreed to keep secrets on BOTH sides!
So my super-sly host dad whips out his phone, turns the corner and calls his girlfriend to hop out of the parked car and hurry up to the highway.
We (host mom, dad and I) walked to the freshly empty car. My host mom LITERALLY looked into the empty car and said “hmpf”. Women always know I guess.
Anyway, so we picked up his girlfriend on the side off the highway like she was a hitchhiker. She is not flaky, so I sat awkwardly in the back seat of the car as she fought to never have to do that again, and for him to work up enough courage to tell his EX-wife.
I just went mute and tried not to make eye contact. That is no way to treat your significant other…. My family here in Berlin is really communicative, and I think that is when makes them function as a team so well. Everybody has their jobs too and is extraordinarily caring and attentive.
My host mom thinks that I’m too skinny, that I don’t eat enough for all the “sport” I do. Wasssss (German for what). I think we have a stereotypical latina mom here… So caring and always wanting her family to have bellies full. I notice her smile whenever anybody goes up for second plates!
> In the library someone looked and pointed at me. It was a slim girl with short blonde hair, we kindly smiled at each other and she started talking to me in German. I gave her the surprised-confused look that I put on while trying to translate. That stare doesn’t work well here because I look so German. I understood that she thought I was in a magazine or something…. I told her that I didn’t speak much German, and she replied with “Alles Gute.” (Everything is good)
-Another little reminder that I need to start INTENSIVELY learn German, and not just keep up my Duolingo streak.
Huge storm-
Library ceiling had a little piece fall from it
stuffed transportation
transportation stopped
a tree fell in front of our house
news says nine dead
Locura total… Mother nature isn’t whispering, she is shouting.
Family movie, The Pursuit of Happiness, for Mariana’s English class. At the end, Mariana and (host) mama cried. The feeling when people show emotion is simply, naturally nerve nourishing (let’s be real, it’s touching when boys cry too, even hot). *Meanwhile I was slouched there with my dry, dusty desert eyes. Selfish sorceresses like me only cry when we are angry.*
I go to bed at around 1 am on weekdays, and get up at 6-7ish. In Canada that would have affected me, but here my bursting interest pushes a lot of negative side effects out of the way.
Sechs Oktober, 2017
1hr U-Bahn ride to the east side for German lessons…
Study break= 2 hours exploring
Opps… the city is so distracting and simulating, the lust life is really breathing my oxygen and drowning me.
Heute ist Freitag…
I went out with Natasha and her friend Martyna. My phone is in German, so I didn’t understand the transportation app very well and therefore didn’t notice that there were no trains running at a certain time. I arrived 44 minutes late. YIKES! At least the buses are pretty much on time here. We went to the Club Havana at 10 pm (girls free 10-11) To my delight, the first floor was playing reggaeton (Latin dance music). I thought that I would mould perfectly into German culture like I did in Spain, but my heart is stuck, crazy glued to Spain. I’m still a fake latina/Spanish girl and haven’t become fake german yet. Maybe it’s the pretty latino family I’m living with, who I am, or the dem bow beat of the Reggaeton that turns me into a dancer. I can’t dance so smoothly, and effortlessly to any other tune. A smile unconsciously smears across my face like peanut butter as I sing. My eyes slide closed and the music takes over my brain. It swings me perfectly like a pendulum. This is not related to alcohol at all, Latin music is intoxicating fairy dust.
The men didn’t really pay me too much attention, probably because of my 10-minute get-ready job, and 4-year old makeup job level. Natascha has a womanly ora, and the men were magnets to her. I didn’t care, I can dance alone when they have a partner, or find groups and make new friends to dance with. In Spain, people wanted to dance with me because I looked different (blonde hair, blue eyes), here they only started to get a little attracted when they found out that I speak Spanish. Yet, many Latinos preferred to speak Deutsch (what). *Another reason to learn German.
We left at 3 am (I wanted to leave earlier because I was nervous that my host family would be worried). Natascha didn’t want me to go home alone, and kept saying “30 mins more, ok.”
I went half-home with them, and then alone. I wasn’t nervous, but it was eerie that I didn’t see any women. At All. Then again, I’m not in Spain, and people don’t party until 7 am. Also, I see the looks men give a messy haired, smudgy makeup, baggy-eyed girl who slumps down in the U-Bahn seat alone. It’s a little disgusting; them, and their looks, not me.
Sieben Oktober, 2017
My host family didn’t care that I got home at 4:30. Fewwwwww. I’m very relieved. Being 18 has perks. I got up at 8:30, smeared concealer over my bags so my host mom wouldn’t make a comment and ODed on sugar (speculaas).
Breakfast, walk with Tipsy, little personal, handwriting about last night in my journal and now this, and then homework. I predict that I will get sick soon, my body is awake, but somewhere deep down, she is used to more sleep.
Yesterday, my German host mom told me that she didn’t want to go to the door to talk to the lazy, slow construction workers. They were supposed to be working on the house, but they kept coming up with excuses not to. Usually, it was either too cold, hot, rainy or windy. Yesterday was a dreary September day when my host family was complaining that it would already be winter before the workers came to start getting the house together. We were just waking up in the bitter morning when the sluggy worker’s boss showed up to make some inspections. My host mom, a feminist and new-aged independent women told my host father to change out of his pyjamas, and like an angry sports coach, drill some sense into the worker’s boss. How could they be doing nothing when winter was already coming? Like a detective, he was supposed to nail questions at the construction leader, like “When will you be working this week? When do you propose this will be done? Nothing too harsh, just wear some authority and frustration on his face. My host mom didn’t want to do it herself because she “wasn’t the man of the house, and it wouldn’t be as effective.” Can gender equality happen if genders are still so strongly stereotyped?
Personally, I think host mom would have done a better job than mom host dad. Gender aside, she is just more firm and less laid back than he is.
I guess they could have both gone out…
I went out to a bar with Mariana and her friends… Quickly after Mariana introduced me, she told everyone that I was 18, so I could buy them hard drinks. Someone asked how my German was and she told them that I knew only stuff like thank you and goodbye (this was all happening in German). I got frustrated at myself, knowing that it is pretty much true. I could feel the annoyance spark up in me a tinge, and I had a sore throat. Not a great night, I mostly just zoned out and tried to keep warm in the bar with my coat on. I like all of Mariana’s friends, I just have to remind myself that the amazing things in life (like learning languages) take time and work.
Ways to make me happy:
-compliment my language skills (which at the moment do not deserve compliments)
-tell me I look strong
-cook me healthy, spicy food when I’m hungry
How I can myself happy:
-Work on my language skills, and notice improvements (No talking in English, less Spanish)
-Work out, run, play sports (be energetic and active)
-Eat healthy food (Or gorge out on chocolate if there is an emergency)
Acht, Sonntag, Oktober, 2017
I knew it! My body told me not to go out yesterday with my cold…. I just can’t say no to doing stuff! Now I have a cold. Last night I smothered myself in vapour rub, put woolly socks on, drank tea and didn’t put an early alarm on. I even closed the blinds, to make my room a deathly black for a dead-like sleep. I had a little nap after breakfast, and now I’m doing some homework.
Neun, Montag, Oktober, 2017
Up early to sign up at a closer German School. It was stuffed with busy vibes and exotic looking foreigners (and one other girl who looks stereotypical German, like me). I hope that when I start the intensive monthly classes Wednesday, I’ll be able to make some friends to practice German with (we’ll have the patience for each other). I went to some other “public” libraries, but one needs a school code and username for the wifi… I went to my usual library and started to do a biology quiz… I was just finishing up reviewing the quiz when I saw someone walk in who gave me the slight impulse to barf. I turned my head, and sure enough, the man who I had been mostly dancing with at the Havana club was settling down at a desk. He gave me a shocked second-look and came over to say hi, and ask me how I was. A waterfall of self-disgust washed dirty, brown water over me. WHY! I have no clue why I spent most of the night with him, why can’t I go for the good guys out in this world!
He had texted me Sunday, and I didn’t respond, assuming (hoping) that I wouldn’t EVER see him again. At least, to my benefit, I can’t cover any emotions or act/pretend to be polite, so my embarrassment and uncomfortableness glowed up like a glowstick. He sat at the desk beside me, probably sensing my negative ora. That is what I thought, but I really don’t know a speck about communication. While writing this now (8 hours later), I see he found and followed me on Instagram and texted me again (after I left his texts in “read mode” and didn’t respond). Luckily I’ve learned enough German directness to be able to turn him directly, properly down? RIGHT?
Secondly, I was doing a timed quiz, that I did horrible on, not because of how much I studied, but because when he showed up, I lost all self-confidence and respect.
I could write more details about him, to convince all you readers (so far no one reads this because I think it’s too personal to give out the web address) that he is odd and gross enough to make me gage, but that would embarrass me too much (hence why I wrote Havana details in my personal diary). My mom advised me not to get a German Boyfriend because she knows that one day when I go abroad, I won’t come back. Although he, Juan, is from Peru. I don’t think that I will be getting any type of boyfriend. Almost all of the boy experiences I’ve had, make me want to shiver, oddly twirk my neck, and drop my jaw open like I could vomit. I suppose it would be interesting to get a boyfriend for the experience, but I take forever to do homework, have intensive German classes, and hopefully will have a job. People make time for what they want to do, therefore, right now I don’t have time for a boy. Can you tell by the way I talk that I’m a love virgin? Hey, I fall in love easily with places!
Neun, Dienstag, Oktober, 2017
I didn’t think that I had time to get a job at the moment, but spending 81 EUROS (not Canadian dollars, geez, I do not want to know the exchange rate) on a monthly transportation card makes me feel the need to start applying. I have been using the U-Bahn without a card, and the bus with a spare, unused card. Yet, my host parents assured me that I should get a card, “especially if you get caught and have to give them your address” so here I am, being an adult and spending money. I spent 5 hours in the library doing homework, and some time at the bank trying to work stuff out with my shabby german.
Also, I was in the U-Bahn the other day, and a ticket checker snuck by me. He was so sneaky, and not dressed in a uniform that I didn’t even notice him. I keep doing duolingo on my phone, and he checked everyone around me’s ticket, except mine! So that was my lucky day, and now I have an expensive paper of no-worries (my ticket).
-late night run was a breeze. I felt like a leaf twirling in the wind. I ran home, only after running for 45 mins and not even feeling gravity’s pull. I didn;t even need google maps to guide me home!
Zehn, elf, zwolf: Oktober, 2017
My days are:
– 3 Hours of german class (but I go an hour early to study, so 4 for me)… It is the best part of my day
-five hours of Canadian online course in the library
-supper
-run
-yoga
-German TV/ job searching/ sketching/ visa/ bank (adult stuff)
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Collecting some inspiration:
… As if I need it, I have enough, I just need to put it all to work!
“With languages, you are at home anywhere.” – Edward De Waal
“You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.” – Geoffrey Willans
“A different language is a different vision of life.” – Federico Fellini
“Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things but learning another way to think about things.” ‒ Flora Lewis
I’ve been taking too much time to integrate deeply into Deutsch culture. First of all living with a Guatemalan family isn’t making it any easier, and I’m not complaining, I love them so much! Today at supper I asked my mom when the Spanish mass was that we were planning on going to. She told me that is was Sunday afternoon, and that there would be paella, Spanish treats and music. My jaw dropped like a wooden puppet and my hands flung up in the air with excitement! Woohoo! My host mom laughed at me and said: “I think when you went to Spain they gave you a blood transfusion or something because you are so Spanish! Here we were expecting someone very Candian, and you like Reggaton and everything.” Like Mariana, my host mom is very understanding, she just described me perfectly. I was a little nervous about having a super caring, typical latina mother, but I am really connecting with her. I can tell by the way that she twinkles her eyes that she knows people’s puzzles: how they are made and what works for them v.s what doesn’t. Everyone in this family is attentive, making them admirably smart.
In Canada, I acted like a starving rat trying to find Latino and Spanish foods and people to talk Spanish too. I would even flirt with the one Latino in my grade, who wasn’t very friendly to me, yet I was thirsty to practice Spanish. Here I’ve been watered, my thirst is finally quenched: with Spanish and German… now I have to pee.
– Back at it again with the weird metaphors, but seriously, I am sponging up all the information around me and really being myself while blending into the watery yet tasty culture stew.
The Really German spice in the culture stew:
My German teacher. He is a role model! Online, my German school, the Hartnack schule is known for being cheap, and “sometimes not so great unless you happen to meet a good teacher.” -google reviews. I guess that happened to me because he is a mighty mentor. First of all, I am there for four hours, but it feels like 15 minutes. His lessons and words fall into pace like a dance as he talks in a smooth, slow understandable German. He floats about the room with his long German legs in his European-style skinny jeans as he explains grammar or goes on a liberal-political rampage. He is a culturally educated man, with an interest in other languages. He has me captivated by his hypothesis of understanding German. My eyes follow him like he is the dancer and my eyes are the spotlight. He often has the class laughing, except for the poor Syrian man who sits beside me and is very so lost in translation. His classes really have me getting out of bed in the morning, keeping up my duolingo streak, talking Spanish only when necessary and watching German videos. He adds in what German culture tips, and little entities like “Bier ist Wasser, Bier ist Kien alcohol.” -Beer is water, beer isn;t alcohol
Even though I have three Latinos sitting near me, I try to keep talking to them in Deutsch… Well, the man from Colombia doesn’t speak much yet, but the woman from Spain and the Venezuelan man are pretty motivated.
SO MUCH EXCITEMENT IN THE CITY!
Family table talk at supper about blunt Germans, and how hilariously blunt Mariana’s Grandma is… If I wrote what she said here, it would be too rude.
Mariana, Anne Marie (sitting on the back of my bike) and I biked to a little mountain viewing place to see Berlin’s skyline. Mariana has to do something every day it doesn’t rain because that is very special here in Berlin. So far, I’ve been so in love with Berlin, that the rain doesn’t bother me. But I’ m sure it will happen. Soon?
Run and German Lernen!
I’m so fake: I make myself listen to German music even though I don’t really like it. I guess it might take a while: After I go to some party and make memories with German songs and actually understand the lyrics.
*(I’m editing this in November, and it worked, I like and listen to German music now!)*
I’m spoiled rotten:
My host mom makes my lunch in the morning! A lecker lunch of a freshly baked bread (Hilmar is a well-practised baker) sandwich and an apple. I told her that she doesn’t have to, but she replied with I’m too skinny, so she wants to make sure that I eat. What she doesn’t know is that I often go to the store and buy chocolate. UGH! I don’t know why I do that, it’s not that I’m angry at myself for not being healthy, it’s that it is such a waste of money. In Canada I was a stingy grandma, here I act like I won the lottery! It doesn’t make any sense… especially because in Canada I was working, and I don’t have a job here yet. I persuade myself to buy chocolate or sweets because I’ve never tried them before… As I walked into the supper market yesterday, I had a conversation in my head:
1-Oh, just go in to look at the European food and learn German vocabulary
2- Ohh yeah, and maybe the Schokolade (chocolate) is on sale
1-No! You just spent money on transport, rent and this weekend you have riding.
2- Ohlalal look a Milka flavour I haven’t tried yet!
1- No… You even have sweet stuff at home
2-YUM! I’m on exchange, therefore, I’m emotionally unstable and need chocolate, and I also did a lot of homework today
I ended up buying two chocolate bars! One was on sale, the other one was a new Milka flavour: Marzipan!
I could feel my feet steered my towards the chocolate, and my mind was steering me out of the store. I felt like I would split in two. I think I need to pack a bigger lunch, nine hours of studying with a little break on the U-Bahn works up some monstrous cravings.
Everyone in my class comes from countries that have problems because I’m in a cheaper class in the middle of Berlin now, and then there is me; the blonde chick from Canada.
I bounded up the moving escalator in an untidy rush. I stretched out one leg farther than the other, gripping onto the U-Bahn’s (metro’s) dirty rubber doorway. With a slight bend in my leg and a twist to move my backpack away from the robotic closing doors, I swirled into the parked train car. I smiled to myself, proud that my little sprint had been rewarding. I let a long breath slide out of me, and my chin tilted up as I gazed around me. I was a part of a snack pack deal; packed in with four businessmen and two mothers. As I stared at the crowded car, I noticed someone curiously staring back. People have auras and orbits of emotions circulating their bodies, and like with different electron numbers, some people just simply attract others; even sometimes looks aside…. The U-Bahn slid to a firm stop on the metal tracks as the luring somebody gave me a glance goodbye. Why do humans keep to themselves when we only know such a small group of people, and the world is only unlimited opportunities?
Oktober 13-15
-Drinks in the park with friends
-A different version of beer pong (that I am not good at) …. Mariana said: “finally a sport that you are not good at!” Enschudlgung (excuse me) but how is drinking beer a sport. The beer tastes vomitrocious, and next time I am not playing. I still have to try everything, and every beer I’ve taken a sip of makes me want to spit it out…
When I went to the store to buy “pussy beer” (a sweet cooler) they carded me. You only have to be sixteen to buy it… I got carded for being sixteen. I think I am going to start wearing lots of makeup.
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-Spanish church and yummy lunch after.
-German TV with Mariana
-visited the wall today! …. A church was bombed, and a cemetery was moved to make room for the wall!
Then I went to the flea market and listened to live karaoke. I felt comfortably normal, mixed in with all the alternative people there.
Oktober, Montag, 16 -2017
-Auslander office to renew visa: VERY CROWDED
-German school
-Job search
-meet kids I’ll babysit
-Say no to hang out with Yusra (friend from German school), but then get distracted in the city and wander and run for too long
-HOMEWORK
Oktober, Montag, 17 -2017
-Auslanderbehore (visa renewal)
-German schule
-Applied for so many jobs!!! Cafes, stores, hotels… EVEN: Mc Donalds (But I need a special health/service card for Mc Donalds)
-homework
-babysit
Oktober, Montag, 18 -2017
-German school
-library
-run
-homework
What is religion in today’s world?
That question has been pulling and my brain muscles.
Yusra made my scarf into a turban today. I really like her, she is simply herself.
We went to a Sudanese restaurant, and the owner was hilarious. He told Yusra that she has to learn German, and he was helping us with our not so great German.
I went to the library to study from 1-6. I wish the library had windows, but at least I’m not distracted. Also, could it be a good thing that I don’t see the rainy weather that is so common here!
Now I’m off to run because I need to stretch my legs, even though I’m a little sick. To fake it till I make it? Or to rest? I never really know until it’s too late. Oh well… I’ll learn a little more every time it happens (I ignore that I’m sick untill I get to get out of bed).
Oktober, Montag, 19 -2017
Still thinking about religion, especially after spending the day with Yusra, who is very Muslim. Religion is definitely more than something from the past.
Today at school we had a strange supply teacher, who speaks 8 languages!
Yusra had a little notebook and was asking people to write things in there for her. Everyone wrote sweet things, except the 19-year-old from Colombia.
He is not a bad guy, just not super culturally aware. He only speaks Spanish and wrote that he would like to see her hair (because she wears a hijab). I told him he couldn’t write that, but everyone thought it was normal.
I went to the zoo with Yusra and her family: two brothers and parents. The mom gave me a long, warm hug, and when I went to give her brother a hug, he yelled “Nein” and backed away as everyone stared at me.
Yusra told me later that a woman’s body is like gold and shouldn’t be touched. My mind gets twisted every time she tells me her views on gender, marriage and independence:
-Travelling without a man
-marriage: the woman is literally passed from her father to her husband
-having lots of children one day
I saw an Alternative for Deutschland (AFD) party advertisement:
“We like bikinis better than burkas”- With a picture of two white women in Bikinis…
Anything that argues about what women should wear makes me not like it or support it. The AFD is crazy and especially evil for using refugees as scapegoats. YUCK
Oh and my Latino classmates (from Venezuela and Colombia) thought that I had left, but I hadn’t yet, and overheard my name in their conversation. I asked them what they were talking about…They were talking about how pretty I am… I think that is is just because I’m blonde and blue-eyed… Dejavu to Spanish boys!
Anyway, I like the Venezuelan, but turns out he is 29! He looks much younger okay! Thank god I don’t have to marry my first boyfriend in my culture because it would definitely be a mistake. Well, I’ve never had a proper boyfriend before, but seeing how I’m going now, my future boyfriend could be a huge mistake. I don’t know, it is also a blessing that when it comes to boys, I’m not like I am with food; I’m very picky and don’t get hungry easily.
20, Oktober
I went to German school and then to the library for 5.5 hours. Studying is harder than running 20 km. I was feeling pretty spaced out, and almost sick. Living this lust life, compared to my steady life in Canada makes me feel like I’m stuck in a kaleidoscope that I’m spinning myself. The fact that that metaphor is hard to picture, makes even more sense. I know a lot of knowing that I know nothing. I thought I saw a guy I danced with at Havana on the metro today (not Juan, the library and Havana man), a different man. He was staring at me, and I made the mistake to stare back… Only because I wasn’t sure if it was him or not! He said something in German, and I asked if he was from Havana, then he replied in fast German. I need to increase my German intensity now. Anyway, it wasn’t him, I rushed away like a speed walker and boarded the metro at a father away car. I think he might have tried to follow me. That thought made me brow-collapsing angry for at least three hours after, but now writing this, maybe he was just getting on the metro. The big city makes me very cautious of these things. For instance, even the friendly man who seems gay, but has a wedding ring on in the library makes me wonder. He tried to convince me to go the same German school as him. Is it all so strange, men here. I can make never eye contact, then they think I am interested in them.
Studying makes me spaced out, I felt like my body was awake, but my mind was slumbering.
-Cocktails at home
-out to a party that we couldn’t find… 40 mins of transport there and 40 mins back.
21- Oktober
I did get excited about today: horseback riding, Taipei, and a train ride to oma’s, and staying a couple days in her small town. all is nice, but yikes I have some much school to do. It is good to have problems and I like my new problems: school, being fit, German, making friends, getting to know the new family and learning all-round. problems make everything better and more special. I can’t wait for biology to be over, that is the best part of problems… When they are all done.
-train and bus to Oma’s
-arrive late, but manage to play some cards and go out for drinks
-really dark and rainy
22-Oktober
We went on a bike tour along the beach, had some ice cream, did ten minutes of homework and then had a two-hour nap! Then we had some amazing fish soup! A star chef was so tired of stress at a fancy restaurant, that he opened his own little shack. It was the best, tastiest soup I’ve ever had! We biked home and intensively snacked: chocolate mousse bar, Haribo candy, balsamic chips, pretzel sticks, liquorice, wafers and ice cream. I don’t want to go for a run on the beach anymore… No wonder I still have a cold, I need to stop eating chocolate. Oma talked about old times. obviously, I’m mostly touched by the rape, war story:
English soldiers would throw gum to the children and take away German girls, to use their bodies.
Mariana cut me some nice bangs. I’ve always hated bangs and thought that they would make me look more childish, and they do! I just wanted to try them, because I’m going to cut my hair short anyway. But I was doinf homework and I thought they were annoying, and getting in the way, so I trimmed them. Now they look uneven and choppy.
-ice cream: so smooth and fresh… why is food so good and expensive here
-the gloomy weather makes me want to stuff my face and watch tv/sleep
23-Oktober
-Dark, cold rainy weather, like in Berlin, but darker!
-homework
-an hour run on the beach
-Eating so many sweets it feels like Halloween… followed by a stuffed belly and a foggy head. I am not impressed with my self-control
-to the library to pick up some books. I got some baby books and read them with Oma (Mariana’s Oma) She is a great teacher and made pronunciation, and word learning interactive and funny.
-talking about Mariana’s future career path while snacking… So many options. I want to do a lap year and learn another culture/language with O-Pear? And maybe make a film too? I know everyone will think I’m selfish and crazy, but I don’t want to go back to Canada, and not to school either. University one day, but Canada seems too comfortable for me. I want to be always learning, and growing as an international person.
24-Oktober
We went on a bike tour to see some cliffs. Oma was really nervous. She even uses a flashlight on night walks, when there are street lamps everywhere. I love her. We ate a lot of sweets, Oma is spoiling us. Then we went for a bike to “walk” on the beach. Really I went for a dip but did it secretly because Oma didn’t want my cold to get worse. But I can’t go to the sea without going swimming! My bus didn’t come, so we went home and watched a talk show. Now I am on the train to Berlin. Juan, a 19-year-old Colombian classmate is flirting with me on WhatsApp. My attitude is suddenly cold, I hate dealing with this confusion. I’d be glad to be his friend and nothing more. Jose on the other hand…
25 Oktober
It’s back! that horrible feeling of stress, self-annoyance, no pride and nervousness. I was wondering when it would come, I missed this strong emotion. This feeling sparked with an over-eating of junk food, followed by an all too slow completion of homework and then by a big mistake: I said I could babysit for Maria Jose the night of the Gabby Moreno concert that Anneliese bought me tickets for… So she is going to ask her regular babysitter, and I will probably see her at the concert… Oops. Also, I really want to shave my head even more than ever because my bangs make me look like a naive 13-year-old… I told Anneliesse (my host mom) that I want to shave my head, and she said “why! oh please don’t do it here, you’re not with punk rock people! Do you want to do it because of Nadja?” She has a point, people will think I’m strange, and I don’t have enough confidence to deal with that aboard… why do I always have to fall apart before putting myself together? Normal people don’t do that! In a way the rollercoaster is better than feeling comfortable, I think. Oh, and it will help me finally catch up on school because it’s not helpful to one’s success to be chill all the time. Ok all is good…
German school, and then the library. I feel so much better now that I’m not eating sugar. It’s only been a day, but it has been easy after my sweet breakdown. I guess phenoxies are more common then we think. I’m always stronger after I burn up until I crumble apart. I have pulled my loose life parts together into a tight braid. I watched a movie in the German school, with German subtitles and friendly foreigners. Strangers are curiously beautiful, I love meeting people, even if one of them thought I was 14!
By the way, Maria’s Jose’s regular babysitter can babysit! Things are zipping back up together.
Oktober 26
Today: German school and the library. Do you know how puzzle piece perfect pretzels and tea are together? The days are cold and dark but everything is still so new. I love “new” because curiosity is an intriguing emotion. I guess some may prefer comfort more, it’s hard for me to step into those people’s shoes, the ones who don’t appreciate or admire change.
Oktober 27
German school, library, quality time with my wise host mom. Sometimes I get uncontrollable coughing attacks; so I drank tea and lathered my feet and chest in vapour rub, and went to bed.
P.s
Seeing men in the library on the public computers pretty much looking at porn still surprises me. Someone was snoring beside me today. This is why I love the city, I feel comfortable to be me, and be weird, because I’m not alone! Thankfully, there is always someone right by me who is even weirder than me. What a beautiful, comforting thought.
28
Ok, I went to riding, and introduced my self and was talking to the others girls. Why am I proud of my self for doing that? I should have it down by now! I did some homework and then went out to eat empanadas with my mom and her Guatemalan friends. We went to a poor, cool part of town; Lots of graffiti and colours. When we got off the metro, one guy asked my mom if she wanted drugs. A huge crowd of drug dealers are there. Besides from being too caring, now I know why she, my mom is so popular; she is the life of the party. There was a drunk Mexican guy making conversation, and my mom was spilling out so many jokes. He said he went to Guatemala, and mom questioned “They let you enter?” then we went to the Gaby Moreno concert, at a private club. I loved it so much, and my mom and her friends were like groupies, at the front of the stage with a Guatemalan flag singing and cheering.
I feel content:
I’m where I want to be. With who I want to be. That’s all that is important to me right now.
I am like a holeless doughnut,
a sweet blob of raspberry
surrounded by puffy, supporting bread
I dissolve with the tongue’s teasing affection
My jelly dances in the belly
^ Me avoiding homework
29 Oktober
Everyone is spiritual; so is religion “crowd control” for spiritual people?
What is believing in God or another powerful spirit? Is it the Bible, other forces, history, tradition, not being, putting the power into somebody else’s responsibility, or not being selfish?
In education, we are taught to make connections and notice relations. Sometimes, thinking on the surface of things, I can make connections and relations so easily, especially in concentrated subjects, like biology, languages, even (often unnoticed) in stereotypes. Yet, whenever I look deeper, taking a moment to include everything, I see a chaotic messy scene, that looked like it just survived a tornado. “We are all the same” -church. Yet as the same people, we are also ALL different. I can’t make connections anymore, even though my brain is trained to do so.
Living aboard takes me back to being a baby: learning how to talk and act again.
But I was thinking a lot about religion and spirituality today. I am interested in WICCA, and also a little bit of every religion. I was watching a motivational youtube video once, and it said that religious people are usually not so successful because instead of being confident in themselves they have trust in someone else (God). I used to partially think of religious people like that, that they were a little brainwashed and controlled by the church. Now I look at them with a much more positive view. NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO KNOW THE WORLD’S ANSWERS…Or make sense of anything. Religion gives people an answer and an explanation, which as humans we need to make connections and have a growth of knowledge in this ever so confusing world. It gives people meaning, reason and values. I think it might be better to have a community centre, than a church. Because a church is outdated with bibles, sexism and so many rules and regulations. So much control! But I am not sure the centre would be as strong and as connecting as a church. A church unties people entirely by their belief and trust. Rule oriented or not, having people’s full trust and faith is the most powerful force.
We all have a voice that isn’t really our own who speaks to us. Why did we make that grandiose life change? Why were we brave that one time… Why did we feel lucky…
Sometimes we can feel so alone, but other times, we can be so alone but feel so supported.
I am a spiritual person, but I also look for the truth, with proofs. Religion and science both have their proofs. Sometimes, it is relaxing and comforting to not be so sure about something, and be sure at the same time.
^ Spill of thoughts after my Mom’s missionary Guatemalan friends came to visit.
They arrived from Guatemala in the morning, bags full of Guatemalan food for my mom. My mom met Nate on an aeroplane, and now he is coming to visit for a few days! My mom is so inspirational!
They, Nate and his wife, Jenny, work with street kids and the church. We drove around Berlin and visited the DOM (Lutheran cathedral). 7 euros to get in! I hate giving money to churches, but it was very museum-y and worth it. It looked like a Catholic cathedral because it seemed as though someone threw money on the walls. Gold, extravagant paintings and figurines everywhere. A cluster of rich items. I like simple designs better, now I know where the word godly comes from. We got a beautiful view of the city. We then went to a Catholic mass in a big, cold empty church nearby. Some parts were translated into English and Spanish. We went to the meet and greet after and were talking Spanish with everybody. I signed up to volunteer.
We went out for supper at a Vietnam-Thai place. I kept covering my food in hot sauce until the jar was empty, but I still barely noticed it. Hmmm, maybe it’s my cold. Jenny, Nate’s wife is a captivating storyteller, and we listened to band-street kid-god stories until the restaurant kicked us out at 11.
I found out that my host mom’s cousin was once kidnapped for 2 weeks. -Not a usual story for a Canadian to hear. Oh and I’m behind on homework, I was going to catch up today but am I sick and tired. Funny… I’m not sick to spend the whole day touring the city, but for homework I am. Oh well, in Canada I would have been sent to bed by my yogi-nature mom to sleep all of the sickness off. But my Guatemalan mom just keeps giving me drugs that I don’t even really know what they are.
30 Oktober
Today is a holiday! Lots of homework done today, I was in the mood. Suprise! Science is comforting because there is always a sure answer, usually, I don’t like that, but it suits me in times like these; when nothing has an answer. I went shopping with Mariana for a Halloween costume. I wanted to be a scary, weird alien, but I didn’t want to buy something that I would only wear once. I’m used to a salvation army type store in Deep River, so everything here seems so expensive. I will just wear my hippy clothes, cover myself with makeup and go as a zombie seer. No going out tonight, I need to rest up for a Halloween party! And Mariana told me “you’re sick as fuck”. But I am living in a captivating illusion. My body and mind aren’t on the same level. My host mom said I don’t look after myself, she is always right, moms are the smartest.
31
Happy Halloween!
Everyone has a day off, thanks to Martin Luther,
Bye to the guests,
tour of Berlin
Mexican lunch
Getting ready for a Halloween Party-
Mariana and her friend are trying to make me wear a short shiny silver dress. They all look so hot and uncomfortable in their tight, short costumes. I want to dance so, I’m not wearing it, plus I didn’t even look attractive in it… I look a little slobby in my baggy clothes and headscarf, but a fortune teller is a better bet for me.
German culture is making me become less indifferent. I don’t think Mariana is used to me saying no, but she also encourages it sometimes she helps me not say “whatever” or “I don’t care” when I have a valid answer.
Whenever I’m unnecessary polite, she says “ugh you’re being so Canadian right now.” I don’t like overly politeness, I want reality and truth. This world hides enough truth!
halloween Party:
Just drinking, talking and playing pointless drinking games.
I really wanted to dance, and the people are nice, but not people that I would want to make friends with.
One girl asked what my name was, and I automatically thought that she was going to gossip about me, but she was just putting my name in a truth or dare app. The boys were nice, yet the girls were perfectly put together and wore an arrogant air around them.
I left early, telling everyone but Mariana and Annemarie that I was sick. They weren’t into the party either, but they seemed to be more optimistic that it would get better.
Mariana called me when I was on the metro that she was leaving too. We soon meet up and agreed that we all wanted to dance, but Mariana forgot her ID. We ended up buying fresh falafels and eating them inside a covered up carousel. I would poke my head out of the carousel’s trap cover and scare people on the street. We wandered aimlessly around and then bused home.
I learned this past month, that being indifferent is not helpful for myself, and those around me. I noticed that the more truth and communication we have, the smoother everything rolls. My host family members amaze me; how well they all work together. Every day, for supper, we crowd around the small kitchen table for about an hour! we talk and enjoy delicious, healthy, usually meat-free food. What to me sometimes feels like useless time talking, is actually precious social investment. How can you work well with others if you don’t know what their story is, and what their life’s current plot is? I am so lucky to be here, and I love everyone around me!
Richard M. Nixon:
“The finest steel has to go through the hottest fire.”
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